~Saturday 11th of July 2020~

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  • #19439
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    I feel numb and empty I feel nothing right now I haven’t like had a complete breakdown or anything its just been nothingness just numbness. I was dumped for the first time by my bsf (we were dating for the past year). I’ve been in relationships before but I was always the one to end them so this is the first time of me being dumped. But with him it was really different I had never felt that way before about anybody and neither did he and then he dumped me on friday for a reason I don’t understand and I’m like okay then I’ll be supportive because even tho I’m not your girlfriend I’m still your friend. And I just now I feel nothing I’m just numb it’s so shocking to me. (he’s the one I have all those memories with and the one that stonewalls when he’s stressed) He broke up with me out of the blue I was giving him space like he wanted because he wasn’t feelin himself. But on friday june 5th after I got home after practice I see this message:

    “Hey. So this time of space has given me a lot to think about, and I’ve come to realize something. I think we should stop dating. But please know that this is not because of you because you *my name*, are perfect in every way imaginable. I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now. But I swear it is not because of something that you did so don’t go blaming yourself for this. And I also want to stay friends with you. I think that’s why I was so afraid to ask you out because I knew that things would never be the same. But I really do want to stay friends with you. I had never been so in love with someone except for you. You are a great person *my name* and you are a great friend and I don’t want to lose that friendship. I’m really sorry, but I just don’t want to be in a relationship. Again, I’m so sorry…”

    Then I didn’t respond for a couple hours I left him on read like he does to me to process this and he continues.

    “Hey you wanna talk?? Believe me *myname* this wasn’t easy for me. I mean hurting one of my best friends and praying that they’d stay friends with me? It was difficult. We will still be friends and tell each other things. I made a promise to always be there for you, and even now, that hasn’t changed. I’ve been thinking about doing this for about a week maybe less if you were wondering, and no I haven’t thought about it before now. And I really did love you and it was not for show nothing was for show. Ever. But I figured that we are still young and we don’t know what’s going to happen, and being in a relationship causes a lot of drama and stress and I don’t want that for either of us. But I really do want to stay friends with you I do. I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I’m really sorry *my namee*. I am really.”

    I responded and I was supportive and I was cool about it so I messaged back:

    “hey sorry I didn’t respond right away I was kind of in shock and my grandfather just walked into my house lol but yeah of course we can be friends. there is no need to fret or be worried I understand. at least we are still going to be best friends, right? and yeah I would love to talk now but i’m okay, i’m all good Nick, thank you for telling me now and not just leaving me out to dry, i appreciate it. also that’s awesome, that’s wonderful, thanks. and I made a promise as well NOW! can we get back to normal like how we were before quarantine and before we started dating? because even just being friends that was a great time. but! we still need to talk lol. we are friends so i still get a right to know what’s going on mkay? I will always be there for you whether we’re an item or not”

    and so yeah.. I had never been that in love with somebody before and just being dumped randomly like that i dunno what i’m feeling i’m just empty and numb and just nothingness. which ive never felt like this but then again ive never been dumped. but im worried about my feelings because i was and still am in love with Nick. theres no doubt about it. but like i dunno. now my feelings are confusing and i dunno what to think b/c typically i am one of the most passionate people you will ever meet but now im just nothing im empty. and it worries me because about 9 months before i started dating Nick I had just broken up with a person named Randi after they went behind my back and told one of my friends who I kind of maybe had a crush on and told her that they didn’t even like me they were just dating me for my looks and so mary kate told me and I told them to please not do that to anybody ever and that okay just have a good life goodbye. and i was all good after breaking up with Randi i was happy and just like eh its fine (even tho i really did like them) and the a couple weeks later it hit me like a brick wall and i went into a hella dark place and went off the deep end a couple times. and i was in that for like 4- 5 months.

    SO I HAVE LIKE ZERO CLUE if what i’m feeling now is okay i dunno if im gonna be okay in a couple weeks or months I HAVE NO CLUE so yeah I’m trying to understand what im feeling by not feeling anything at all except for nothingness numbness and emptiness. so yeah sorry that was a lot of personal stuff thrown at you all at once lol

    #19440
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    sorry about that so yeah and those messages were word for word except for me deleting my name

    #19441
    Rai Of Musical Sunshine

    Dont worry bout it. Im glad that you felt safe enough to be open about something that personal. I truly understand that feeling tho. last year was rough for me. I fell in love with one of my close friends and we dated and then things when down hill after my parents figured out I was dating someone. (Im not aloud to date yet) And this person was and Is one of my bestest friends. but about a year ago we made some not great decisions and my mom found our messages and I haven’t had a phone for almost a year now. and I haven’t seen this person/hung out for a while. we talk occasionally. but then this year I have felt like a human experiment in the two short relationships i was in. on person was just toxic and the other was just using my for a lack of better terms. It hurts alot. The person from last year, I miss so much. Hes someone I can never let go of. I know it may hurt bad Rn, but It will get better soon. Quarantine is messing with everyones brains tbh.

    #19442
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    Thank you Rai that really helped. It will get better, right? You sure? Also thanks for opening up as well, I know how it feels to be in toxic relationships and to be used. Even if they are hella short relationships they still hurt. And yeah quarantine is just screwing with people’s heads.

    #19449
    ukulelelover25

    hi, im no gay, i nut i support people who are. you be you! happy june! this is ur month, and im talking to everyone whos gay, trans, etc. its nothing to be ashamed about, but even though im not gay, want to be friends?

    #19450
    Rai Of Musical Sunshine

    BJ,
    Yes Its will. and yeah that is so freaking true. I’m glad I could help. And Thank you.

    Ukulelelover25,
    Hey, Happy Pride To you too. And Any Ally/ Supporter is welcome. Thank you I appreciate you taking you’re time and reaching out to us LBGTQ+ People. You’re awesome for doing that.
    ~ Rai

    #19465
    itsu31

    Hi hi, I am new here. Just got a new ukulele. Nice to meet y all.

    #19501
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    Hey 🙂 itsu31 welcome and you too ukulelelover25 is there any preferred pronouns and nickname we can call you guys?

    And rai thank you so much for being there it really helps, what’s your cosplay insta? I wanna follow and support

    #19503
    Rai Of Musical Sunshine

    Hewo. uh Its a private account and I’m not on it much but I can give it to you the next time I’m able to go on it

    #19504
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    Okay that sounds cool next time you are on it you can just dm me on my account so I know it’s you and I can follow. My insta is b.j.queen.of.scribbles it’s the same as my username for this

    #19505
    Rai Of Musical Sunshine

    Ok sounds good. So hows it going?

    #19506
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    It’s going pretty okay, you?

    #19507
    Rai Of Musical Sunshine

    I’m doing good. lol Super tired tho. I messed up my sleep schedule

    #19524
    Rai Of Musical Sunshine

    Hey B.J.
    Just a heads up,
    I might be able to go on insta this weekend.
    anyways. Ttyl.

    ~ Rai

    #19525
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    Hey awesome!! That’s sweet! Have a great Independence Day also

    #19526
    RiiUke

    first of all im not gay but erm hi my name is Violet-Zoe Villareal Hey ..!!!!!

    #19527
    b.j.queen.of.scribbles

    Heyyy! What’s up Violet-Zoe Villareal. How are you! Also is there a nick name we can call you?

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